Chemistry vs. Compatibility

That moment when your eyes meet someone across a room and something undeniable passes between you, you know that feeling. The instant recognition, the magnetic pull, the sense that something significant just happened. I experienced exactly that many years ago, and what followed became one of my most profound teachers about myself, my worth, and what I will and won't accept in my life.

This wasn't a fairy tale romance. It was something far more valuable: a mirror reflecting back everything I needed to see about my own evolution and the non-negotiables I was ready to claim.

The Intoxication of Instant Connection

We didn't speak that first night we met. Just locked eyes across the room and felt it, that inexplicable chemistry that needs no words. He found me later on Facebook, sent a message, and I waited a few days before responding. My social media has always been dedicated to empowering women, so I typically ignore male outreach. But because we'd met in person, I made an exception, and if I’m being totally honest I was curious about the spark I felt too.

The conversations flowed effortlessly. We connected on multiple levels, discussing everything from life philosophy to daily mundane details. We started spending time together, and I found myself genuinely enjoying his company. The chemistry we felt the night we met translated into real rapport, or so it seemed.

Then came the first crack in the veneer.

Red Flag #1: The Label Panic

During one of his visits, a girlfriend called asking what I was doing. I was in that delicate early stage of dating, not yet committed but definitely interested. I walked the tightrope of neutrality, or so I thought. I said, "My man friend is here, I'll call you back."

Man friend. As in, a friend who is a man. Not "my man" but literally describing him as a male person I know.

His reaction was abrupt and unexpected in the car later on the way to dinner: "I don't appreciate you putting labels on me."

I sat with that for a moment. Here I was, trying to be completely neutral, not claiming him as mine, not diminishing him to just "some guy", and somehow I'd still offended him. If I'd said "a guy is here" or “gentleman caller,” he'd likely be upset. If I'd said "my boyfriend," same result. There was no winning move because the real issue wasn't my words. It was his discomfort with any form of connection being acknowledged.

This was my first glimpse into something deeper: someone so guarded against being claimed that even the most innocuous description felt threatening.

Red Flag #2: The Stalking Accusation

He later accused me of stalking him. Let's pause here for the absurdity: He found me on social media. He sent the friend request. He initiated the conversation. Yet somehow, my presence in his digital world became "stalking."

For context, I wasn't ever friends with him on Facebook. I hadn't sent him a friend request. My page is deliberately structured to create space for the women I serve, not for collecting male connections. Yet here was this narrative that I was pursuing him inappropriately.

Consider the absurdity: someone in law enforcement, trained to recognize actual stalking behavior, couldn't distinguish between a woman's genuine interest and obsessive pursuit. But facts weren't really the issue. Perception was. His perception that any woman showing interest must be desperate, obsessive, or somehow out of bounds.

Red Flag #3: The Asset Comparison

Then came the statement that crystallized everything: "You don't have what I have, and that concerns me."

He was referring to material possessions, property, assets. He looked at my life, a woman who'd raised a son as a single parent, put him through college, earned a doctorate degree, and was now living with my parents as primary caregiver for my stepfather and found it lacking. By comparison, he worked multiple shifts, taking on high-end security details for celebrities and every extra opportunity available, accumulating possessions through relentless work that left little time for anything resembling a balanced life.

He couldn't see that our different material standings reflected different priorities, not different worth. I'd invested in my son's education, my own intellectual growth, caregiving for family, and building a business to empower women. He'd invested in acquiring things through a lifestyle of constant work. Neither path was wrong, they were simply incompatible measures of success.

His spreadsheet couldn't calculate the value of purpose over possessions, and I couldn't pretend that material accumulation impressed me more than someone's capacity for growth, presence, and authentic connection.

The Pattern Emerges

As weeks turned into months, other pieces fell into place. He shared stories of toxic relationships with his ex-wife and former partners, stories filled with drama, accusations, and unresolved trauma. I listened with compassion, but I began to notice something: he was regurgitating those past experiences into our present, projecting old wounds onto a clean slate.

Every past relationship failure became evidence that connection itself was dangerous. Every woman who'd hurt him became a template he laid over me, waiting for me to conform to his worst expectations.

The communication that had once flowed so easily began to trickle, then drought. He started ghosting, responding less frequently, creating distance where there had been closeness, pulling away without explanation. In the span of five months, what seemed like a foundation for something real evaporated into nothing.

What Five Months Taught Me

Here's what became crystal clear through this experience: five months is not a tragedy. Five months is a gift. Five months is exactly the right amount of time to discover incompatibility before you've invested years trying to make something work just because the chemistry was electric.

We had chemistry. We absolutely did. But chemistry is just one element in the complex equation of human connection. Without mental and emotional alignment, without shared values and mutual respect, without the willingness to do your own inner work, chemistry is just gasoline waiting for a spark to create an explosion.

He never understood what I do or why it matters. He told me motivation is wasted on people, that I was wasting my time trying to empower women. That statement revealed everything: this was someone who hadn't done his own growth work, who was invested in his career title as proof of worth, who measured value by what could be seen and counted.

Revelation #1: He hadn't invested in becoming the best version of himself beyond professional achievement. His identity was entirely wrapped up in his job title, his possessions, his external markers of success.

Revelation #2: He looked at my age and evaluated my worth based on accumulated assets, never considering that I'd chosen to invest my resources in raising a son as a single parent and earning a doctorate degree. He couldn't see that I'd deliberately prioritized differently, that my wealth was measured in ways his spreadsheet couldn't calculate.

Revelation #3: His accusation of stalking revealed his own fear more than any behavior of mine. I've never had to chase any man because I've always been clear: I'd rather be happily alone than miserably attached to someone who makes me feel small.

The Reconnection Attempt

Fast forward several years. He reached out again, presumably after some growth, some life experience, some evolution of his own. But here's what had changed: me.

The thrill was gone. Not because I held a grudge or harbored resentment, but because I'd moved into a bigger adventure. I'd stepped fully into creating this movement for women over 50 to age with power. I'd discovered that I'm more invested in my own mental health and happiness than in settling for anyone's limited assessment of my worth.

I'd learned that I don't need validation from anyone to do what I love and create a life I love living. I'd recognized that great chemistry doesn't guarantee a great match, it's merely one ingredient that, without the others, creates nothing sustainable.

The Mental Match Versus the Mental Challenge

A great relationship is designed to help you shine and grow. It supports both people to expand into their fullest expression. It's not a comparison contest, not a competition of "what I do versus what you do" or "what I have versus what you have."

True partnership asks: What can we build together from where we are? How can we maintain our individual autonomy while creating something unified? Can we be one together while still standing as complete individuals when we're apart?

Relationships are crucibles. They refine our awareness of ourselves, revealing both our strengths and the places we still carry wounds. If you're committed to becoming the most powerful version of yourself, you use these experiences to gain awareness, not to judge the other person for what they lack, but to understand more clearly what you require.

The Attraction of Like Consciousness

The more you invest in your own growth, the more you naturally attract relationships that are also invested in growth. This isn't mystical, it's practical. When you're on your own self-actualization journey, you recognize others on similar paths. You speak the same language. You value the same things. You're not trying to convince someone of your worth because you've already claimed it for yourself.

You begin to understand that someone who can't see your value simply isn't meant to. Not because they're bad or wrong, but because they're on a different journey, operating from a different consciousness, measuring life by different standards.

And that's okay. You can love them and move on. You can appreciate the chemistry and recognize the incompatibility. You can honor what was real while accepting what wasn't sustainable.

Know Your Worth Even When They Can't See It

You don't have to sacrifice your happiness trying to convince someone that you're more than your material assets. You don't have to explain your worth to someone who's measuring it by the wrong metrics. You don't have to make yourself smaller to fit someone else's limited vision.

You know your worth even when they can't see it. That knowing is your foundation, your anchor, your North Star.

Live from your truth. Create your life based on what brings you joy and meaning, not on what someone else thinks you should be doing at this stage of life. All else will fall into place when you do.

Because here's the deeper truth: that instant chemistry, those red flags, that five-month relationship that evaporated, it all served a purpose. It showed me what I won't accept. It clarified my non-negotiables. It proved that I'd rather walk alone with my head held high than settle for someone who makes me question my value.

And years later, when he reached out again? I was no longer the woman he'd met. I'd evolved into someone who wouldn't even entertain a connection with someone who'd demonstrated such fundamental misalignment with my values.

That's not holding a grudge. That's honoring growth.

The Real Love Story

The real love story here isn't about him at all. It's about falling in love with the version of myself that refused to compromise on core values for the sake of chemistry. It's about the woman who chose her own peace over the chaos of trying to prove her worth to someone invested in not seeing it.

It's about recognizing that at this stage of life, we have the wisdom to spot incompatibility early, the strength to walk away cleanly, and the self-respect to never look back with regret—only with gratitude for the clarity that came from five months well spent.

Chemistry will always be intoxicating. But consciousness is sustainable. Growth is generative. Mutual respect is nourishing. Shared values create foundations that withstand storms.

Choose wisely. Love fully. But never, ever compromise on being fully seen, deeply valued, and completely respected for exactly who you are, including what you've sacrificed, what you've built, and what you're still evolving into.

That's not settling. That's not lowering your standards. That's aging with power.

Have you experienced a relationship that taught you more about yourself than about love? Share your revelations in the comments, your story might be exactly what another woman needs to hear today.

About the Author

Dr. Diva Verdun, the Fierce Factor Expert and Architect of Ageless Power™, is the founder of FENOM University and the Age with Power™ movement, where she empowers ambitious women to crush it after 50 and rewrite the rules of aging. Through her signature Core 4 Principles of F.I.R.E.™ — Purpose, Passion, Prosperity, and Power — she guides women to ignite their inner brilliance, embody their authentic power, and expand into a life of bold, liberated expression. On the campus of FENOM University, Dr. Diva leads transformational experiences, legacy brand training, and deep mindset shifts designed to help women rise into their next chapter with unstoppable fire.

Connect with Dr. Diva: Website • Linkedin • Facebook