Mirrors Not Shields

When we struggle in relationships, whether personal or professional, the underlying patterns often trace back to fundamental psychological concepts that shape how we interact with the world. Two particularly powerful forces—external locus of control and defensive cognitive patterns—can create relationship dynamics that feel both frustrating and mysteriously resistant to change.

Understanding these patterns isn't just an intellectual exercise. It's a pathway to freedom—especially after 50, when we've accumulated decades of relationship patterns that may no longer serve us.

What Is Locus of Control?

Psychologist Julian Rotter introduced the concept of "locus of control" in the 1950s to describe where people perceive the control over their lives to reside. This psychological construct exists on a spectrum with two poles:

Internal Locus of Control: The belief that you control your own life and that your actions determine your outcomes. People with a strong internal locus tend to say things like:

• "I create my own opportunities."

• "My choices led to this situation."

• "I can change my circumstances through my efforts."

External Locus of Control: The belief that external forces—other people, circumstances, luck, or fate—control your life outcomes. Those with a dominant external locus often express thoughts like:

• "Things always happen to me."

• "I can't succeed because no one gives me a chance."

• "If only others would change, my situation would improve."

Neither extreme is entirely accurate—we all face external circumstances beyond our control while retaining agency in how we respond. However, leaning heavily toward an external locus creates particular challenges in relationships.

The External Locus in Action

An external locus of control manifests in recognizable patterns:

Blame Shifting: "This project failed because you didn't explain it properly" rather than "I should have asked for clarification."

Victimhood Narratives: "Everyone always misunderstands me" instead of "I might need to communicate differently."

Success Attribution: Taking credit for successes ("My natural talent") while attributing failures to external factors ("The circumstances were impossible").

Helplessness Language: "There's nothing I can do about this situation" rather than identifying aspects within one's control.

Consider Sarah, who consistently arrives late to meetings. When confronted, she immediately cites traffic, other people's demands on her time, or technology issues. The pattern is so consistent that colleagues can predict her responses. What Sarah doesn't recognize is how her language reveals her belief that punctuality lies beyond her control, rather than acknowledging her choices about time management, planning, or communication.

Defensive Cognitive Patterns: The Protection That Imprisons

When external locus of control becomes our default, it pairs powerfully with defensive cognitive patterns—mental habits that protect our self-image but prevent growth.

Psychologist Karen Horney identified three primary defensive strategies—moving toward, moving against, and moving away from others—while modern cognitive psychology has expanded our understanding of specific defensive mechanisms:

Cognitive Distortions: Mental filters that twist reality to protect self-image:

• Personalization: Assuming everything is a reaction to you ("She didn't respond because she's upset with me")

• Mind Reading: Believing you know others' thoughts ("He thinks I'm incompetent")

• Catastrophizing: Assuming the worst possible outcome ("If I admit fault, I'll lose everything")

Confirmation Bias: Selectively gathering evidence that supports existing beliefs while filtering out contradictory information.

Emotional Reasoning: Assuming feelings reflect reality ("I feel misunderstood, therefore others are deliberately misunderstanding me")

These defensive patterns manifest in recognizable behaviors:

Deflection: Immediately changing the subject when accountability arises ("That reminds me of how John mismanaged the Johnson account last year")

Attack: Responding to feedback with criticism ("You're one to talk about meeting deadlines")

Minimization: Downsizing personal responsibility ("It was just one small oversight among many factors")

Intellectualization: Using abstract reasoning to distance from emotional reality ("Statistically speaking, my error rate is within normal parameters")

The Entitlement-Victimhood Paradox

Perhaps the most fascinating aspect of external locus combined with defensive patterns is the paradoxical coexistence of entitlement and victimhood. The same person who feels entitled to others' help ("You should assist me because I'm struggling") simultaneously feels victimized when held accountable ("You're attacking me by expecting me to handle this myself").

This creates a particular relational dynamic where:

1. The person expects accommodation without reciprocity

2. They perceive requests for accountability as personal attacks

3. They feel consistently misunderstood while making minimal efforts to understand others

4. They view their struggles as unique and more significant than others'

This pattern becomes especially apparent in collaborative settings. Consider Robert, who consistently expects colleagues to take on portions of his workload due to his "unique circumstances" but becomes defensive when asked to contribute equally to team projects. When confronted, he details the special challenges he faces that others "simply don't understand," creating a narrative where he's simultaneously entitled to special treatment while being victimized by "unreasonable" expectations.

Breaking the Pattern: The Courage to See Yourself

The first step toward change is recognition—seeing these patterns without judgment but with clarity. This requires what psychologists call "metacognition"—thinking about your thinking. Consider asking yourself:

• Do I frequently feel that others are responsible for my difficulties?

• When receiving feedback, is my first instinct to explain why it's incorrect?

• Do I often feel that others should accommodate my needs while viewing their needs as less important?

• When collaborating, do I expect flexibility from others while remaining rigid about my own boundaries?

These questions aren't meant to induce shame. They're invitations to curiosity about patterns that might be limiting your connection with others and your own growth.

The Path Forward: Reclaiming Your Power

The Core 4 Principles offer a powerful framework for moving beyond these patterns. True purpose emerges when we recognize our inherent agency rather than waiting for external validation. Passion flows naturally when we take ownership of our choices instead of blaming circumstances. Prosperity—in relationships and beyond—stems from reciprocity rather than one-sided expectations.

The shift from external to internal locus doesn't happen overnight. It begins with language—noticing when you use passive phrasing ("this happened to me") and intentionally shifting to active voice ("I experienced this"). It continues with small experiments in taking responsibility before being asked, and noting how this shifts the dynamic.

The Relationship Between Perception and Reality

One of the most challenging aspects of these patterns is how they create self-fulfilling prophecies. When we approach interactions expecting to be misunderstood, we often communicate defensively from the start. This defensive posture triggers protection mechanisms in others, leading to exactly the disconnection we feared.

The good news is that this cycle can be reversed. When we approach relationships with genuine curiosity instead of preemptive defense, we create space for authentic connection. This doesn't mean abandoning healthy boundaries—quite the opposite. It means establishing boundaries based on self-awareness rather than protection of a fragile self-concept.

After 50, we've accumulated enough life experience to recognize these patterns in ourselves and others. This awareness itself is a form of power—not power over others, but power within ourselves to choose different responses than those that have become automatic through repetition.

The Freedom of Responsibility

While it might seem counterintuitive, embracing responsibility is actually liberating. When we acknowledge our role in creating our experiences, we simultaneously discover our power to change them.

This doesn't mean taking blame for circumstances truly beyond our control or denying systemic challenges. It means distinguishing between explanation and excuse—between clarifying understanding and justifying inaction.

Consider the difference in energy between these two statements: "I can't complete this project because no one explained it properly." "I realize I need more clarity on this project. I'll reach out for the guidance I need."

Both acknowledge the same reality—insufficient information—but the second statement positions you as an agent rather than a victim. This shift in perspective creates entirely different possibilities for action and connection.

Living Your Fierce Truth

After decades of life experience, you've earned the wisdom to recognize patterns that no longer serve you. This recognition isn't about self-judgment—it's about self-liberation.

When you move from an external to a more balanced locus of control, you reclaim your power to create the connections and outcomes you desire. When you recognize defensive patterns as they emerge, you gain the freedom to choose different responses.

This journey isn't about achieving perfection. It's about embracing the messy, magnificent process of growth at any age. It's about recognizing that while you cannot control every circumstance, you always retain the power to choose your response.

The fierce truth is that the quality of your relationships—and indeed, your life—doesn't depend on others understanding you perfectly. It depends on your willingness to understand yourself honestly and to engage with others from that place of authentic self-awareness.

This is the essence of aging with power—not power over others, but the profound personal power that comes from claiming your role as the author of your own story.

About the Author

Dr. Diva Verdun, the Fierce Factor Expert and #1 transformative architect on aging, empowers women over 50 to seize their destiny and Age with Power™. Through her signature F.I.R.E.™ methodology and Fenom University, she ignites women's fierce potential to live life on their terms. Follow her on Facebook or Linkedin.